Before Super Smash Brothers
by origreatguy
Summary: Frickin' laser beams! Persian cats! Vegeta! It's all in Chapter 6! Please R(ead)R(eview)! I like exclamation points!
1. The Company Is Decided

Before Super Smash Brothers By origreatguy  
  
I don't own Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft or A Christmas Story. But if I did, I'd personally force Bill Gates to give all his money to Nintendo and destroy everything that has to with X-Box. As for Sony, I'd be a bit more lenient. I'd give them some of Bill Gates' money and all his copies of A Christmas Story if they shared their games with Nintendo.  
  
The room was stuffy and windowless. Everything was painted white. There was only one lamp; a leg lamp that looked like it came straight from A Christmas Story. Mario was standing, where as Spyro and Bill Gates where sitting on the bench.  
  
"So-a, Mr. Gates, remind-a me again why you don't-a have a mascot," Mario said  
  
"Well, it's totally obvious why he's coming here in person," Spyro replied, his voice dripping sarcasm. "He's trying to assimilate everyone into his collective. He doesn't have a mascot because mascots are for total sissies, not like companies who come out with 16 M-rated games with no plots every month. I think he's working on an Adults Only game, and one of those hasn't come out in over a decade."  
  
"Ssssssh! This is not 2002, it's 1999, remember? We're acting out when they were trying to find out whether Super Smash Brothers goes to the N64, the Playstation or the PC," I suddenly said, popping out of nowhere. "You have a contract, you know."  
  
"Oh, fine," everyone said. A man in a dark shirt showed up out of nowhere next to them.  
  
"Aaah! Where did you come from?" Spyro asked.  
  
"Out of that door," he said, pointing to the wall. "Remember? Everything is white. We've reached the decision that Nintendo gets the game.  
  
"What? I offered you 700 billion dollars!" Bill Gates whined.  
  
"Be glad that all you need to spend is for a new pair of pants, 'cause they're ruined." Sure enough, when Spyro and Bill Gates stood up there was a white stripe on their butts. They scooted them on their respective walls and quickly went out the door into their cars.  
  
"Mario, this is the reason we decided to give Nintendo the game. You're the only one who actually had the will to stand up," the man said.  
  
"That's-a great. I mean, I got-a walloped by Bowser the other day. Then a- Peach spanked me a few times for not being assertive. I could not-a sit down without screaming-a bloody murder in a falsetto voice-a," Mario confessed.  
  
"That's lucky for you. I hope you reap large benefits from this game," the man finalized.  
  
"Thanks-a." Mario walked out of the room, into his car and drove off. 


	2. The Contestants Come

Before Super Smash Brothers By origreatguy  
  
I don't own Nintendo, Hal Laboratories or Olive Garden. Also, I had a little help from a book by Suzee Vlk with the big words Bowser says. There, I said it, now I don't have to worry about getting my pants sued off. *receives a letter hand-delivered to him* Let's see, oh, cripes! I'm getting my pants sued off! It seems that they were the true reason for Bill Gates' butt being painted white! Got to run; I hope I'm not being sued for any monetary value.  
  
Sign-up sheets were all over the bulletin boards at every Nintendo headquarters around the world. They were completely filled up. When the deadline had passed, Mario, Luigi, Toad, Peach, Bowser, Yoshi, a Shy Guy and a Goomba were all heading from the Mushroom Kingdom toward the virtual HQ that all video game characters go to that isn't really in any place. This was a compromise between the European, American and Japanese HQs.  
  
"Beat up Bowser, Mario, or I'll make sure I do the same to you!" Peach exploded.  
  
"All right-a, all right-a. It's not-a my fault I got-a walloped. That idiot-a brother of mine gave away-a my position with his awful-a singing," Mario whined.  
  
"Hey, I'm-a right here, you know," Luigi shot back.  
  
"The things I do for an Italian wuss!" Peach said, exasperated. At once, thousands of Olive Garden employees began to charge toward Peach, pummeling her with every move. The scene was violent, but soon stopped after each employee got a severe burning. They dashed away into their respective restaurants, leaving the whole group amazed at the source of the fire.  
  
"Bowser? What did you do that-a for?" Mario asked.  
  
"I'm trying to make sure we get there on time, remember?" Bowser said. "I'm the one who actually had to fight through a large mob to get to the sign-up sheets. You, Mario, on the other hand, have gazillions of fans filled with adulation. No one dared to keep you from coming."  
  
"Adulation? What the heck?" the Goomba asked.  
  
"It's the act of hero worship," Bowser explained simply.  
  
"And may I ask-a how you got to know such a word-a?" Mario asked with a smirk.  
  
"Well, uh, er, hmm, let's see now, um," he stammered.  
  
"Oooooh, someone's-a boning up-a on vocabulary! Please-a, tell me the other words you learned," Mario requested with a huge grin spreading across his face.  
  
"NO!" Bowser refused.  
  
"I'll kick your-a hiney halfway to the moon if you don't-a!" Mario threatened.  
  
"All right!" Bowser surrendered. "Pusillanimous means cowardly, pulchritudinous means beautiful, parsimonious means being a cheapskate, garrulousness is being talkative, to ossify is to make into bone, an archipelago is a group of islands, to scintillate is to twinkle..." Bowser continued while everyone laughed, even Peach. When he was done, Bowser stomped the ground in a furious rage.  
  
"If I hear word of this going around to anyone else in the universe, I'll personally marinate the person whose fault it is ALIVE!" Bowser roared.  
  
"Come on-a, it was just a joke," Mario said.  
  
"Sure it was." Within moments, the whole posse had made it to the patent pending Big Fat Virtual Portal Thingabob. It looked like a small arch with some rainbow semi-liquid stuff suspended in the walls.  
  
"Hey, aren't we virtual anyway?" Toad asked.  
  
"I. Don't. CARE! Let's just get in the thing!" Bowser ordered. They all did. Once this happened, they felt that they were being hurled through a tunnel. The ride was very psychedelic, but very bumpy. They felt like they were going to throw up at any minute. (Note: this tunnel thing comes straight from a snowman story I made in 5th grade, which is my best schoolwork yet, at least in my opinion.)  
  
At last, when the ride was over, they all fell into a rectangular room that was packed full of Nintendo stars. There was Donkey Kong, Link, Zelda, Ganondorf, Captain Falcon, Ness (whom Mario hadn't seen in years) and five Pokemon, which included Mewtwo and Mew. Naturally, every human being in the room was trying to catch Mew and Mewtwo, and every human being in the room got pummeled out of the virtual HQ by the energy balls that had been fired at them. All of a sudden, Celebii popped up.  
  
"How come I don't get to be in this story? I'm better than any of those worthless Pokemon, even Mew and Mewtwo," she complained.  
  
"You know why!" I said, also popping up out of nowhere. "This is NOT 2002! How many times do I have to break it to you guys?"  
  
"Well, if it's not 2002, I'll make it 2002! I have time control, you know." Celebii used her power to force everyone in the room into 2002. It didn't work.  
  
"What happened?" Celebii asked, angered and slightly scared.  
  
"Duh. This IS 2002, but we're pretending it's 1999. Haven't you watched a single movie in all your infinite years on this Earth?" I answered, obviously annoyed.  
  
"Uh, heh heh heh. Bye." With that, Celebii zoomed away and left everybody thoroughly confused.  
  
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Samus Aran could be seen too, as well as Kraid (it was difficult for that big reptilian body to fit in HQ), Ridley, a Metroid, Marth, Roy, the whole Star Fox team, a totally black LCD character, some kids in headbands, Ash (who somehow didn't get zapped away when he tried to get Mew), and for some strange reason, there was also the biblical man Noah.  
  
"Noah? What are you doing in a Nintendo convention?" Peach asked.  
  
"It turns out I was a character in some NES game. I used to be all for love and peace and all that, but now it's time for me to kick some butt." Just after that, the MAN came. It was the head honcho, the big cheese, leader of them all: Shigeru Miyamoto.  
  
"Ladies, gentleman, kids and et cetera, we would like to welcome you all to an exciting tournament which will determine who gets to participate in Super Smash Brothers, our upcoming game. The tournament spreadsheet is to the left of Ms. Aran there. Everyone looked at their names, glanced at their opponents, and knew that this was for all the marbles, even the cats- eyes and clearies. 


	3. Any Guesses On How Kids Became So Violen...

Sorry for not updating; it's just that I had lots of stuff to do.... Anyway, I don't own any of the companies noted in this story, but I own the story. I bet you're wondering what happened when Bill Gates sued me. I was going to win, seeing as all the evidence pointed to my innocence, but then that !@#$!@# billionaire Bill Gates offered to give $5,000,000 to every member of the jury if they said I was guilty! Needless to say, I will have to give that obscenely wealthy person more money than he really needs. Here's hoping I don't have to sell my computer! Hey, what are you doing? Give me back that monitor! No, don't touch the modem! Well, at least I have my backup drive; oh, great, me and my big mouth. DON'T TAKE IT AWAY! My novel is there and it's going to get me lots of money!  
  
The tournament arrangement was designed so that the battles would be as equal as possible. So when the first battle was about to go underway...  
  
"HEADBAND BOY VERSUS HEADBAND GIRL! STAGE IS 100 M DASH TRACK!" the announcer yelled. They were the stars of the Track and Field games, all the way from the NES, and had been given an updated 3-D look. They liked it a lot, and spent the first 2 minutes of the battle admiring themselves.  
  
"HEADBAND KIDS! IF YOU DON'T START BATTLING, YOU'LL BOTH BE DISQUALIFIED!" the announcer roared, as the frightened kids began to duel.  
  
Headband Boy started pumping air into his bubble, which he promptly entered when it was full. Meanwhile, Headband Girl was on her skateboard, trying to get to Headband Boy as soon as possible. However, he immediately jumped up and threw his bubble on to his female counterpart. It hurt.  
  
"OWWWWWWWW! That hurt!" Headband Girl cried midst tears of anguish. Headband Boy immediately took pity on her.  
  
"Are you OK?" he asked, but as soon as he finished the sentence, he was smacked upside the head by Headband Girl's skateboard.  
  
"You're gonna pay!" the athlete shouted shortly after his concussion. He grabbed his tug-of-war rope and whipped Headband Girl on the back. The fighting was extremely gruesome, yet no one was going out of the ring. Just before blood showed, which would force me to bump the rating to PG-13, a miracle happened.  
  
"GAME!" the announcer shouted.  
  
"What? No one was forced out of the ring!" Headband Boy exclaimed. The announcer answered his disbelief.  
  
"SUDDEN DEATH!" I, however, saw a problem with that.  
  
"No death!" I said, again popping out of nowhere. "One of the purposes of this story is to show that this is not a bad game for kids! We can't have death, so find another word."  
  
"Uh, OK, uh, SUDDEN WALLOPING!"  
  
"Better," I approved.  
  
The fight resumed, after each fighter drank a potion to instantly put them to 300% damage. The game was soon over when Headband Girl sped over to Headband Boy, again with the skateboard, and hit him in the shins with the kicktail. The male sprinter flew out of the ring, and the announcer once again called game.  
  
"GAME!" the announcer called.  
  
"You moron! I just said that you said that!" I said in a rage.  
  
"Come on, it's my job," the loud one pleaded.  
  
"Not anymore, it isn't. Now hand me that microphone."  
  
"Aw, f-" he attempted to swear.  
  
"OH NO YOU DON'T! THIS STORY IS FOR KIDS, AND YOU HAVE BROKEN THE FIRST OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF KID FANFICS, WHICH IS 'THOU SHALT NOT SWEAR'! I, AS AUTHOR, SHALL NOW PERFORM THE SNAP OF NON-EXISTENCE ON YOU!" I bellowed. He begged and pleaded, but with a single snap of my fingers, he never existed. No wonder everyone was so confused when I talked about him.  
  
Anyway, back to the fight. Headband Girl enjoyed her victory over her male mirror image, but not for long, as they began their epic tussle once more.  
  
"Enough! You are both disqualified, and the winner of the match between Noah and Ash gets a bye the next round!" I ordered as the kids were hauled away by security, still extremely bloodthirsty.  
  
Man. If some kids could be as violent as that, I'd better skip across the other battles. So when everything was over, this sheet was out up next to the Big Fat Virtual Portal Thingabob.  
  
Winners: Mario, Peach, Kirby, Yoshi, Donkey Kong, Link, Captain Falcon, Ness, Samus Aran, Fox McCloud, Mr. Game and Watch, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Noah. Noah receives a bye.  
  
When the news of the winner of this bye spread through HQ, Noah just smiled and said, "It's the power of God." Everyone suspected differently. 


	4. Obviously It's Because The Villains Are ...

I am beginning to doubt the likelihood that anyone from Nintendo or a company that was affiliated with Scholastic, K. A. Applegate, Nintendo during the making of any game including these characters is going to be reading this fanfic. Anyone else really wouldn't care if I use those characters. But anyway, don;t sue me. I've had enough after that Bill Gates incident.  
  
The villains had all lost, and went to Mewtwo's hotel room within the virtual HQ. They were mad.  
  
"AAAAAAAAARGH!" Bowser shouted. "I could tell that those goody two-shoes cheated every step of the way!"  
  
"No, it's far worse than that," Ganondorf disagreed. "The author has obviously manipulated the situation just so there can be a conflict, and so he can delight in many people reviewing his fanfic. Before we can succeed, we must destroy the author, and then become the stars of this new video game."  
  
"Don't speak of the author like that!" Mewtwo warned fearfully. "I know for sure that he can perform the snap of non-existence upon someone, and all memory of that person is wiped from the face of the Earth!"  
  
"Come on, the author can't be that bad. He brought my species out of extinction," the Metroid said.  
  
"That's because he is all-powerful," Bowser said. I had to remedy this pitiful perspective of me. I felt the need to pop up in Mewtwo's room.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAH!" the villains said in unison. They groveled on their hands and knees in front of me.  
  
"Actually, I am not all-powerful. I only seem so from your limited perspective," I explained. "There is one who is greater than I. Come. I will show you-" I attempted to speak.  
  
"Oh, no you don't!" the Metroid said. "You're not going to pull an Ellimist trick on me!"  
  
"How do you know about the Ellimist?" I questioned. "Have you been reading Animorphs?"  
  
"Um, er, let's see now, hmm," the Metroid babbled, almost identical to the time in Chapter 2 when Bowser was interrogated about his large vocabulary.  
  
"HEY! That babbling is copyright 2002 Bowser, and you pathetic alien life forms have no right to use it!" Bowser hollered. "Take that!" Bowser said as he pummeled the Metroid to the ground. The Metroid retaliated by attaching itself to Bowser and absorbing as much energy as it could before Ganondorf punched it into the wall.  
  
"No one beats up my friend and gets away with it!" Mewtwo threatened. "YAAAAAAAH!" he yelled as the whole room became filled with the sounds of villains beating up villains. I disappeared before it got ugly, and then borrowed the Four Sword from a future Link. I split up into four separate beings, then went into all the rooms that the heroes were residing in.  
  
"I had a feeling that the bad guys were plotting, so I stirred up some trouble," my four forms explained to the heroes. "You can go in there and look, but at your own risk."  
  
No one did. 


	5. The Revived Tournament

I had some free time on my hands, so I decided to revive this fic! Enjoy reading...  
  
Before Super Smash Brothers  
  
I don't own Nintendo, Hal Labs or Strong Bad. So there.  
  
Chapter Five: The Revived Tournament  
  
"For crying out loud, it was about time you revived this thing!" Bowser raged. "There's only so many times you can watch that one movie Super Mario Bros. before you start getting the jibblies." At once Strong Bad from www.homestarrunner.com appeared on the scene.  
  
"Holy crap! I just came back from suing Bill Gates for copyright infringement, and now another weird guy starts using my word!" Strong Bad complained. "I mean, I'm gonna have to build a robot that automatically sues people or something. Now for the last time, "jibblies" is copyright 2003 Strong Bad! So stop using it!" With that, Strong Bad left via the Big Fat Virtual Portal Thingabob to go answer his fan mail.  
  
Anyway, back to the tournament. Everybody was getting ready for the first real action in about eight months. Oh, that reminds me, I have to go update my 2002 gags in the previous chapters. Well.... Maybe not. But in any case, the battles were progressing smoothly, until a huge flaw appeared.  
  
"There's an even number of people!" Jigglypuff yelled.  
  
"Yeah, so?" I asked, appearing next to her.  
  
"Well, you know how gave Noah a bye?"  
  
"Yeah...."  
  
"Well, Everyone else has gone and I don't have anyone to fight," she pointed out.  
  
"My God, you're right! I can't believe it took one of my characters to point out a flaw to me! Noah!" I yelled.  
  
"What?! I'll have you know I've got an appointment with Dr. Evil at 2:00,because I'm trying to pick out one of those Persian cats evil masterminds always have!" he complained.  
  
"You have to postpone that, 'cause you have to fight."  
  
"WHAAAT?!" he hollered. "You gave me a bye! I distinctly remember it from 2 chapters ago!"  
  
"Listen, bub, just give me one good reason why I shouldn't just snap you out of existence right now," I threatened.  
  
"You need me for the plot," Noah answered.  
  
"Exactly. So I won't be doing that. Instead I'll give away your evil secret to everybody."  
  
"You wouldn't!" Noah yelled incredulously.  
  
"Just watch me," I said with a hint of evil. Noah turned white and finally got the picture.  
  
"OK. So I'll fight this little wiggling fluff-"  
  
"Jigglypuff!" she yelled.  
  
"Yeah. Jigglypuff. Whatever."  
  
As soon as the contestants were ready, my substitute announcer career really went underway.  
  
"NOAH VS. JIGGLYPUFF! STAGE IS ARK!" I yelled into the megaphone. Immediately Noah set to work stacking a bunch of animals on his head. Meanwhile, Jigglypuff was greedily nabbing all the useful items that Noah was ignoring. In a few seconds Jigglypuff had a Star and was ready to pummel Noah from the room when suddenly, a weird bird showed up. It grabbed Jigglypuff and started shaking her around, then dropped her right in front of Noah. As the Star faded away, Noah prepared to smash his stack of two buffaloes, two cows, two elephants, two humpback whales, and two somewhat young apatosaurs onto the helpless Jugglypuff. He missed.  
  
"AAAARGH! I missed!" Noah yelled. "And now that my arms are pretty much useless at the moment, it would seem that I am defeated!" All of a sudden, Noah put on a really cheesy smile. "But Noah never gives up that easily! With the power of milk, you'll always have the strength to keep on coming!" Noah then grabbed a carton that somehow appeared right nest to him and glugged it down. Taking out a piece of paper from within the carton, he showed it to the audience." "And each carton contains a random scripture or word of advice! Milk! It's what you gotta have!" Noah stopped the stupid smile thing and leaned out from the edge of the stage.  
  
"Bowser! How was that?" he asked.  
  
"I'm telling you, it was so good, that wiggling fluff there got stunned."  
  
"Jiggly...puff..." she croaked.  
  
"Like I told you, that was really good!" Bowser said. "And now for my half of the deal!" Bowser tossed a buffalo over to the biblical hero, who promptly used it to smash Jigglypuff out of the ring."  
  
"Oh, well, game," I called, not even through the megaphone.  
  
After the results were tallied, this message was posted next to the Big Fat Virtual Portal Thingabob.  
  
Winners: Mario, Kirby, Link, Captain Falcon, Samus Aran, Pikachu, Noah. Noah actually gets a bye this time.  
  
With that, Noah set off for Dr. Evil's place, adding a closing comment. "To think, I might even get there on time. 


	6. Practical Jokes

GAD!! This is the longest chapter I've written in my fanfiction.net career. Hope you like it. This disclaimer brought to you by the following companies/shows/people whom I swear I do not own:  
  
Nintendo  
  
Hal Laboratories  
  
Dragon Ball Z (just read the thing, you'll get it eventually)  
  
Readers like you  
  
Chapter 6: Practical Jokes  
  
After spending several hours at Dr. Evil's place, Noah returned with a big bag in one hand and a kennel containing a white Persian cat in the other. Link noticed the big bag and decided to comment on it.  
  
"Hey, what's in there?" asked Link.  
  
"Duh, you moron. It's my new cat," Noah retorted.  
  
"No, no, the bag."  
  
"Oh, uh, you mean this?" Noah looked rather flustered for a moment, then quickly got back to normal. "It's cat food. And cat litter."  
  
"I thought you already bought 30 pounds of cat litter!" Link shouted.  
  
"Hey, Persian cats like to eat a lot. So they go to the bathroom a lot. So I need a lot of litter. And that reminds me, there's a cat-poop scooping robot in there." Noah was clearly on a roll now, and his lying ability seemed to increase tenfold. "The last time I did that myself, I nearly fainted from the stench. I mean, what do these cats eat, you know? I mean, I like to think it's usually cat food, but sometimes they might take a nibble of the occasional corpse flower, you know what I mean?"  
  
"Yeah, I never really thought of that," Link admitted.  
  
"Hey, could you lend me your sword for a minute? I got some polish in this bag too."  
  
"Wow! Sure thing, Noah!" Link was very gullible at this point, so he quickly handed it over. Noah bent over and took something that SO does not look like polish and rubbed it over the Master Sword. He then returned it to Link, who checked out the much shinier blade, then sheathed it again.  
  
"Thanks, Noah!" Link said.  
  
"Ah, don't thank me." At that, Link walked off to his room. Noah chuckled softly when he went out of sight.  
  
"Nope, no need to thank me at all," Noah commented with an evil smile.  
  
"Meow," went the Persian cat in a way that made Noah think the cat was in agreement.  
  
"That's right, Trasher. He doesn't need to thank me." Noah then put his finger through the bars of the kennel and wiggled it around. "Coochie coochie coo."  
  
"Rowr!" went the cat as she swiped at Noah's finger.  
  
"Oh, yeah, right. Better get to my room so I can let you out." Noah did that.  
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
When Trasher was done running around Noah's room and doing his business, Noah was back to walking up and down the halls with his bag. Eventually, Mario spotted Noah walking.  
  
"Where-a were you, Noah? You were at that-a one Dr. Evil's place for-a hours!" Mario shouted.  
  
"I was checking out his sharks with the frickin' laser beams on their heads," Noah explained.  
  
"Oh, that's-a awesome! Those-a things are-a cool!"  
  
"Hey, how would you know about those? Only villains are allowed to go to Dr. Evil's place!" Noah pointed out.  
  
"I was-a contracted as a villain-a for a little while in my Donkey Kong-a Jr. gig. So it doesn't-a matter how many heroic-a roles I do, I can always- a see the sharks with-a the frickin' laser beams-a on their heads. By-a the way, how did-a YOU get to see those? Since when are-a you a villain-a?" Mario challenged.  
  
"I'm about to be sold to Microsoft for work in their game where you're the devil, and you try and kill all these biblical figures," Noah said.  
  
"OK, I-a get it."  
  
"By the way, you're going to battle pretty soon, right?" Noah asked.  
  
"Yeah, and-a what are you-a trying to say?"  
  
"I'm trying to say that if you put this lotion on," at this Noah pulled out a bottle with a crudely done label on it, "right before you battle, then your physical attacks will be much stronger."  
  
"Really? Thanks-a, Noah!" Mario then took the bottle and went to his room, eyes glimmering in the light of an easier victory ahead.  
  
"Heh heh heh," Noah laughed. "Next victim, please."  
  
After playing with his new Persian cat again (and getting a few nicks along the way), Noah took his bag and resumed walking up and down the halls, waiting for the favorite of the next battle to come.  
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
The match between Link and Captain Falcon was about to go underway. Since Captain Falcon was the underdog in this fight...  
  
"LINK VERSUS CAPTAIN FALCON! STAGE IS HYRULE CASTLE!" I yelled through the megaphone. Link walked onto the stage with a confident swagger, knowing that not only would his newly polished blade effectively slice up the futuristic racer, but it could also blind him with ease. "START!" I called.  
  
Immediately Link drew out his bow and prepared his shot. Meanwhile, Captain Falcon was just relaxing well out of range of the arrow. He stretched back on the roof of the castle and went to sleep; dreaming about scantily clad women. He was just about to imagine a brief scene of nudity, which would force me to bump up the rating on this to R, when Link tossed a bomb on his face.  
  
"GYAAAAAHH! You blew up Cindy Crawford!" When Captain Falcon realized that the only thing blown up was his visor, he turned around and attacked Link with a flurry of punches. Link rolled behind the ticked off bounty hunter and smash-attacked Captain Falcon all the way to Chicago. In a surprising turn of events, Captain Falcon was beaten all the way back to the course by the numerous gangsters in Chicago who, for some reason, had a problem with his dorky outfit.  
  
Link drew his sword for the final blow, when against his better judgment he looked at it. There, right in front of him, was naught but a hilt. Link turned his sheath upside down and shook it up, and what came out was the largest pile of rust he had ever seen.  
  
"Bah, beh, bee, bup," was the only sounds Link could make as he just stood there and looked at the hilt, then at the rust. By that time Captain Falcon had regained consciousness.  
  
"FALCON PUNCH!"  
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
It was two minutes until the battle between Mario and Kirby, and Mario was in the men's locker room, making his final preparations. Just so you know, Kirby was in the gender-challenged individuals' locker room. Suddenly Mario remembered the bottle of lotion Noah gave him, and pulled it out of his pocket. The label was a shoddy creation of construction paper and crayon that said Power Boosting Lotion on it. When he squirted it out, a white glob with some black dots evenly spaced within it came out. Mario slapped the stuff over his knuckles, his feet, and his torso.  
  
"Hee, hee. No-a gender-challenged-a individual-a beats the great-a Mario." It was not a coincidence that he sounded a lot like Vegeta when he said this. "Hey-a, for-a some reason I-a want-a to have a large-a forehead, a really-a tall and-a spiky hairdo and go around punching-a people for-a no reason-"  
  
"That's it, out! Go battle! Move it, move it!" I ordered.  
  
"Hey-a, aren't-a you supposed-a to have an omnipotent-a individuals locker- a room?" Mario asked.  
  
"Yes, but I'm omnipotent! I can do whatever I want! Now move! MOVE!" I yelled. Mario needed no more ordering, and he ran out of the locker room and onto the stage. I teleported over to the announcer's chair and began my new job again.  
  
"MARIO VERSUS KIRBY! STAGE IS PEACH'S CASTLE!" I paused, realized the situation and said, "Wow. Deja vu." Mario ran toward Kirby, then jumped up above the little pink ball. He was about to smack Kirby upside the head, but Kirby had the amazing sense to suck up Mario before he could do that. Kirby was also conveniently located near the edge of the stage. He, um, she, no, it prepared to jump off the stage and spit out the plumber before they both fell together and lost. It didn't work, as Mario punched his way out and threw a volley of fireballs at the offending pink mass.  
  
The just-toasted Kirby dashed toward Mario and jumped above him, trying to copy Mario's beginning attack. As Mario did not have a big enough mouth to contain Kirby, it worked well. Mario was launched up into the air and Kirby was about to kick him out of the ring, when something happened. There, right between the two fighters, was a Star. Kirby tried to jump up and grab it, but he, no it was too late. Mario was invincible and proceeded to kick Kirby back and forth across the stage. Just as the power of the Star was about to run out, Mario was ready to Smash Attack Kirby and end the match. Then another thing happened. The lotion on Mario's skin dried, and the little black things inside it began their effect.  
  
Mario opened his eyes wide. "Ooh, eeh, aah, aagh, oowowgoshdarnitthisitches!" he yelled as he scratched his body from top to bottom. Kirby got up and found itself next to a writhing Mario.  
  
"Wham!" went the kick. "Aaaaaaagh!" yelled the Mario. "Boom!" went the floor.  
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
Noah walked for a very long time.  
  
"Goshdarnit! What the heck is Samus doing?" Noah whined.  
  
"Stayin' away from you, bub." Pikachu had been given an actual voice for this fic, just like Celebii and Jigglypuff, but he sounded like somebody out of the Godfather. Pikachu was quite amused with this accent, and had been that way since chapter two. "I gotta tell ya, it sure is somethin' ta be able ta talk somebody down wit an accent like dis. I mean, just yellin' 'Pikachu! Pikachu!' all day like some kinda kiddie cahtoon character drives me nuts! But wid a voice like dis, I sound like a gangsta'! It makes me wanna smoke a cigah-"  
  
"Will you be quiet?!" Samus shouted. "If it wasn't for the fact that he was omnipotent, I'd blast origreatguy out of the water for doing this! Anyway," Samus said, turning her attention to Noah again, "we know what you're doing."  
  
"Uh, heh heh, what do you mean by 'what I'm doing'?" Noah replied.  
  
"Well," Pikachu began, "it can pretty much be summed up in about two woids. Say, incwiminatin' evidence."  
  
"You were at that Dr. Evil's place so long, he already mailed this bill of stuff you purchased at his store to your room," Samus said. At this, she pulled out a little slip of paper that had a picture of a shark with a frickin' laser beam on it.  
  
"Shall I do the honahs, toots?" Pikachu asked.  
  
"No! And don't call me toots, you rat!"  
  
"OK, OK. Sheesh, the noive ah dis lady."  
  
"This is a bill for QUIK-RUST seltzer water, fast-drying itching lotion, and a laser intensifier that becomes a mirror when activated by remote control. All of these items were specifically bought for the sole purpose of bringing down the favorites of all the battles. But do you know what the worst part is?" Samus asked.  
  
"Actually, I thought that WAS the worst part," Noah admitted.  
  
"No, de worst paht is dat owigweatgoi ain't gonna do a thing about it!" Pikachu exclaimed.  
  
"Actually, I will." I appeared right in the middle of the argument.  
  
"Origreatguy?!" Samus yelled. "Iswearweweren'tbadmouthingyoupleasedon'tkilluswedon'twanttodie!"  
  
"Don't worry, you're vital to the plot. Anyway, I will be doing something about Noah's evil. Just give it some time. You may now return to the script."  
  
"Thankyoufornotkillingusthankyouohthankswereallydon'twanttodie!"  
  
"Whatever." I disappeared into my room and enjoyed a root beer.  
  
"Anyway," Samus began with her speech centers actually functioning again, "we will let you go on with your schemes, but you're not duping us. And another thing is that we've told Mario and Link of your little caper." Noah dropped his jaw in utter fear. "And we calculate that they should be here in about 30 seconds." That was enough for the biblical hero-turned villain. He sprinted into his room, screaming bloody murder like a two- year old.  
  
After Samus' and Pikachu's battle, this sign was posted next to the Big Fat Virtual Portal Thingabob:  
  
Winners: Kirby, Captain Falcon, Samus, Noah. Tomorrow, Noah gets to have a friendly free-for-all with Link and Mario.  
  
Trasher saw Noah the next day, then hid under the bed. What kind of cat could DO that? thought the white fluffy kitty. 


End file.
